Joker: Folie à Deux

This doesn't work as a musical or a villain movie but it held my attention for most of its running time. The massive flaw in the production is that it's not supposed to be this horrific a musical.

The wasted life is a goldmine for an operatic performance. That's what Arthur Fleck's (Joaquin Phoenix) life is. A grinding misery that gets more miserable in increments. Every day the sun rises life takes a razor blade to Arthur's soul and shaves off another thin slice. But then there is love, and music, and comedy and tragedy. Or there would be if this was a better written movie. This is where it all falls apart. The love isn't love. It's someone who wants you to be your worst self. The musical numbers neither fit into what's happening nor propel the story forward. They're well lit karoeke numbers. Nothing here is funny. Even when we step into Arthur's inner life, where he should be everything no one else sees, he remains as unfunny to the viewer as he is when shuffling along Arkham's halls.

Your actor won an Oscar for an interesting take on a tired comic book villain. The hit movie you made had nonsense ideas about wounded men and their fragile egos projected onto it. You think to yourself "we don't want to encourage this." So you, correctly, say this broken man can't kill six people and expect to prosper.

But does it have to be so shallow? I'd have read this script and sent the writers off to watch Pagliacci. Several times. And if an opera about a tragic figure in deep emotional pain who swings from manic clowning humour to powerful murderous rages in a gritty setting can't improve the script? They've failed.

This should have been a musical about a tragedy. It's just a tragic musical. A big movie that's too oppressive to be anything but small.

The Substance

The Substance
About 25 minutes into The Substance we're introduced to Sue. A younger version of Demi Moore's network television fitness goddess. It's a writhing in pain, blood-stained introduction. I sat there in the dark and thought to myself, "The third act is going to be wild." It was. Because this is a movie of ludicrous escalation.

Sue (Margaret Qualley) is so refreshing she's the condensation on the Coca-Cola can. Her firm buttocks enter the shot several times before she does. Her breasts defy gravity. Everything is tight. But she has the arrogance and appetites of youth. While this movie is positioned as a feminist body horror it is a movie about a parasitic system.

Yes, the movie's men are grotesque. They were in the director's previous genre movie, Revenge, too. But unlike that movie where all the men were abusers. Or this movie where men participate in a abusive system. Women do unforgivable things here.

After a chemical pickup from a dead drop that screams evil life sciences corporation, Sue emerges from Elizabeth. Elizabeth and Sue are one person but must alternate between seven days of active and resting cycles. There are side effects to breaking this rule. You'd have to be dumb like a character in a movie to ignore potential abuse. Abuse here begins with disregard, the resting party left on a cold floor, and slowly progresses to ghoulishness.

Sue transforms from born yesterday wandering to electronic dance music strut in hours. She is not Barbie Mr. Hyde but she is genetically better than Elizabeth and she can be cruel. With seven days of opportunity open to her she gets Elizabeth's old job and takes it to heights the older her could not achieve. While they are one person you know that has to hurt.

Were it the lazy "all men are pigs" trope I'd have tuned out fast. But the nicest character in the movie, a low bar, is an awkward former schoolmate of Elizabeth's who asks her out. This leads to a brilliant scene with Demi Moore later that is her finest work in the movie. It also brings what drives this story into focus.

Focus is something used to make Dennis Quaid's, leering, sleazy, network producer fill the screen. He's ghastly and even more so when he's eating. Sue is his next dish after he exploited Elizabeth's beauty and celebrity to make money for the network's share holders. Sue and Elizabeth have their own relationships with nutrition. It's not healthy.

This world here has many stark block colours and sometimes feels like it's attacking you from the screen. That's intentional. The body horror is disturbing enough to make you wince so it succeeds. The flaw here is that the movie is indulgent and too long. At a bloated two hours twenty minutes the journey to the mania in the third act tested my patience.

This was an uncomfortable but interesting watch. It is a decent body horror movie with a high level of visual gloss that is uncommon. While it is more female than similar movies if you go into it sold on the idea of feminist politics you're in for a rough time. It is a genre movie first.

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

A female-centric movie for the Wednesday Addams audience, this film is overstuffed and unfocused. The team seem afraid of never getting another shot at this. So, they crammed as many plot ideas as they could into the running time. Some of it works. Some of it doesn’t.

The Deetz women are not having an easy time of it. Lydia (Ryder) has grown from a flourishing teenage goth girl into a timid celebrity medium. Seeing ghosts is not a gift. Beetlejuice has been tormenting her from the periphery of her vision for decades. Lydia is an unusual protagonist for a movie like this. There is no expectation that her life will get better here. It did in the first movie, but now we find a woman weighed down not by a problem but by the disappointments in her life.

This is the most adult of approaches to take with the material because none of the characters change. No one gets better. No one is redeemed. No one has a conversion on the road to Damascus. This lack of change isn't bad for Delia. In a great performance by Catherine O'Hara, she has perfected her taste and artistry. But, she is still hilariously shallow. Now a widow, she finds her husband's death both inconvenient and heartbreaking. Jenna Ortega's Astrid is more activist than artist. She has friction with her mother, Lydia. She's so strong and independent that she falls in love with a guy with great hair overnight. Well come on, he listens to great music and is tall. If he'll go to a protest with her he's the dream.

Like the first movie, repairing the imperfect family is the connective thread throughout the story. And like the first movie Michael Keaton here does Beetlejuice as a chaotic force. But he doesn’t feel as present here as he did in the past. We get several musical numbers; I particularly enjoyed the underworld train one. The production design looks good. The classic movie house looks impressive.

But, as I put in the opening paragraph, this is a movie for those who want more Wednesday quirkiness. It lacks sharp edges because the Beetlejuice of 1988 would be canceled if he showed up again in 2024. Studios are afraid modern audiences will trash their movies. I was in a theater filled with Gen X and older. Studios might want to rethink who the audience that pays to watch movies is.

Terminator Zero

Terminator Zero Few sci-fi franchises are as limited as The Terminator. It’s not like it has anything novel to say about AI or humanity's hubris. Humans unknowingly reach the pinnacle of their culture and creativity. They are then sent back to scrambling in the dirt for survival after that culture and creativity burns in nuclear fire. This is in every Terminator movie and this anime series.

The wrinkle the producers of this show introduce is the rhetorical appeal to another artificial life form to act on humanity’s behalf against Skynet. Malcolm Lee, its creator, makes poor arguments for human survival. Again hubris. If we were looking to enlist an artificial champion we would hope our most talented minds would engage with it to build our case. But no, here we have the heartbroken computer scientist who can’t muster enthusiasm for his own children. This is the man who thinks he can use philosophy and rhetoric to prevent the AI he has built from agreeing with the army of red-eyed metal skeleton killers on the way.

The balance here as in other movies is the idea that Skynet has overwhelming technical superiority but is too inept to finish the job its nuclear strike started. But then, "AI wipes out humans and now reigns over cockroaches" isn’t that much of a story. Here we get a robot action girl, a human action girl and three ghastly children. By anime standards it doesn’t look like the state of the art. It's too computer animated and looks cheap at times.

The flaw in this show is that it attempts to ask questions the premise was never designed to answer. Terminator is a story about a stalker who cannot be reasoned with looking to kill a person who has to save themselves. It was never more complicated than that. While Skynet creator, Miles Dyson, should have engaged in four hours of philosophical meditation before building the thing that destroyed humanity, the rest of us don't need that. You can skip this series.

The Rings of Power: Season 2, Episodes 1 to 3

Is it better than season 1? Yes. Will it bring back the audience it lost after its meandering first season? No. The superchat farmers on YouTube say nothing has changed. But there are improvements. The issue is that this show’s story arc is set and has to build on the dull foundation of season 1. You are into it or you are not.

 

Any adaptation is not going to be the source material. For Lord of the Rings, the best adaptations borrowed from earlier ones. Accept that and watch the show as a piece of entertainment and you’ll have a better time. The show looks more expensive. The budget remains unchanged, but the production designer excels this time. The cinematography is more refined. More shots this season are spectacular, like in the later episodes of season 1.

 

Mount Doom’s eruption has shaken the continent of Middle Earth. Adar, the Orcs, and the humans that have sworn fealty to Mordor do not take the news of Sauron’s emergence well. With the Dark Lord's threat of subjugation, uneasy alliances form to stop him. I like Damrod the hill troll. He’s stupidly expensive CGI to create but he has this swagger of a long time shit kicker. Annoyed, he has to come down from the hills to deal with another problem.

 

Three episodes in and Galadriel no longer has the personality of splinter covered plank of wood. She has lost. She is unsure if Sauron influences her. She needs Elrond's reassurance that, despite ignoring his advice, she is still doing the right thing. Okay, Galadriel not listening to anyone and doing what she thinks is best isn’t that much of a change from season 1 but it seems like there’s character development to be had here.

 

Sauron’s character development is a move towards open manipulation. His problems are more interesting this season. Every other character is working against him. Sauron has no willing allies. He has no resources beyond his wits and the power he can muster. Even when the audience may think he’s having second thoughts about doing something terrible, he’s not. You, the viewer, are being manipulated like everyone else.

 

By episode three, everyone else is back. We also get some new characters to replace those who left. Yet, I found the story-line with the Stranger and the Harfoots uninspiring. The Stranger's story is a mystery box; those are lazy writing. The grey wizard was intriguing because he had knowledge others lacked. Now, he knows less than we do, making him unnecessary. I expect him to become Gandalf by season's end. But waiting two seasons for that is poor plotting. Bottom line, I liked the first three episodes and will finish out the season.

The Crow. (2024)

This movie is cinematic depression. Not that it makes the viewer feel hopeless, worthless and low in energy. But what the audience watches is a hopeless, worthless and low energy movie.

Putting aside Brandon Lee's ability to stir..feelings..in generations of teenage Goth girls who have discovered the 1994 movie every week since it came out, The Crow as a media property has a simple formula. It is a tale of vengeance, redemption and the supernatural told in a style that drips with atmosphere.

The film makers know the formula but can't agree on the mixture weights. The result is a movie that has all the parts of the formula mixed up in the dullest way you could think of.

Eric & Shelly have chemistry. The film displays signs of a pulse when after their nonsensical rehab experience, they spend the summer doing drugs, having sex and making music. FKA twigs looking like a vulnerable doll in one long shot while Bill Skarsgard towers over her radiating love. In that shot you believe them. But then she is murdered and it stirs little in him. What's on screen isn't someone who is heartbroken. It's a annoyed person. The emotional peaks in the movie have been flattened and boredom is what remains.

This is a movie about bored people. The villain is a malignant presence who encourages the worst in people. He's bored. He has a right-hand woman who does his dirty work for him. She's bored. The representation of the wizard in the Campbellian mono myth appears to provide supernatural aid to Eric and help him cross the first threshold into adventure. The wizard is bored. They're all just marking time. Cinematic. Depression.

Eric returns from purgatory to revenge his slain love. So far, so Crow. But he's still the same awful fighter who can't throw a proper punch as he was when he was human. That's clever and it could have been hilarious but because the movie needs to drip with atmosphere, that atmosphere being muted and grey boredom, the filmmakers go nowhere with a good idea.

I'm a big fan of tight 100 minute mid-budget movies. Funding constrains the running time, which in turn tightens the script. But 40 minutes in I considered the opportunity cost of spending another hour on this movie. In the end it turned out to be a waste of 100 minutes. If you are a goth girl, a reformed one or know one spare yourself and others this tedium and watch the 1994 movie again. It became a classic action horror picture for a sub-culture. This movie is only fit for the digital landfill.

Alien Romulus

I liked it. This is a well-made popcorn horror movie. It is not interested in big ideas. It's about tension. Alien was a movie about skilled labour in a claustrophobic jump scare-filled small space with a monster. Aliens brings in corporatism, adds a larger space and more monsters. Prometheus is about the elite, their ideas and what it means to not be one of them in David's case. Set between Alien and Aliens, Alien Romulus is about the working poor and their life that is already horrific.

Rain and her friends are unskilled labourers with a flicker of hope but no future. Stretching humanity across the galaxy is a dirty job. Rain et al. are part of the underclass stuck digging in the dark as others float through the stars. With the deck stacked against them, and their only currency being the energy of their youth, when opportunity floats into orbit they go for it.

In a cast of dead young people walking, David Jonsson's Andy the synthetic stands out. Jonsson is vulnerable, empathetic, pragmatic and cold all in one scene. It's an impressive acting performance and he becomes another memorable Android in the Alien franchise. The rest of the cast do serviceable work. Cailee Spaeny sells Rain's original sin well in an early scene.

This movie relies on physical effects and practical ship models. It's all gorgeous to look at. Things have a sense of size and heft. Landing bay doors are huge. The monitors are Cathode Ray Tubes. The fonts used on screen are from the 70s. Internal communication screens have a VHS playback look and everything people interact with is a button or a handle. No swiping here as this is a gear porn and dripping slime movie. Things seem to be used and dangerous.

The main danger, of course, is the Alien. It all goes to hell exactly like it has gone to hell in every previous movie. There's a countdown to ratchet up the tension, face huggers come in waves and the endoparasite Xenomorph stalks the cast. There's a third act development you knew was coming but may not have seen developing like this. I found that development jarring but it worked fine as it was already set up.

Go into this expecting call backs to decades of Alien movies and nothing else. You'll enjoy it too.

Borderlands

It isn't that this movie is terrible, it's that it gets boring. The Borderlands series is darkly irreverent. It's gory in a visceral "ewwwhhh" and laugh way. It's funny in a "well this will hurt" way. The movie has none of that. It's Borderlands with the life rung out of it.

Yes it has the colourful character design, eater eggs and the 1080p CGI makes Pandora look like the dusty trash pile it is. But just as the CGI falls apart if you look at it in 4K the characters and nods to games are shallow too.

At a svelte 100 minute running time the shoe leather scenes here are tight. Characters set out to do something and do it fast. The tedium of that in-between part of the journey is minimal. I enjoy tight running times but there are so many characters and so many potential plot points that none of them get to shine.

The plot is stuffed with threads that are resolved but not satisfactorily. This may have started out as a complicated script during shooting only to be pared back later. However, the audience can only enjoy what makes it to the screen.

Claptrap (Jack Black) and Tiny Tina (Arianna Greenblatt) do good work here. They get memorable scenes. Cate Blanchette and Kevin Hart are good action stars but though Blanchette is the lead at no time did her character arc matter to me. Hart even less and Jamie Lee Curtis's character not at all.

This is a movie that needed more time but only it it had a much better script. The fact it had a poor script meant the short running time was a blessing. But even in a movie with as tight a running time as this I still checked my watch about an hour in.

If you want to see this, watch it at home. And watch it in HD and not 4K, you'll find the discount CGI less offensive on your good TV.

Time Bandits

An unfortunate miss. It looks too sharp in that Doctor Who/British children's TV way. The cast doesn't gel and it lacks the dark undertones of the original movie. The absence of delight and absurdity in humour drags the production down. Some of the jokes land. But this is a show about burglars with a cosmic map of time and space on the run from order and chaos. The ambition on screen here isn't enough.

How are the Bandit troop? Bland. For reasons of sensitivity people with dwarfism are extras not leads. I see no reason the Bandit troop could not have consisted of people with dwarfism. It isn't that they're funnier or anything cruel, it's that on screen they are as vulnerable as the lead. The stakes are higher, everyone is in this together. Guile, intellect and bravery are the tools available to the troop to overcome challenges.

I suspect children feel comfortable with an authority figure in their fiction, more so if the subject turns grim. In the 1981 movie Sir Ralph Richardson, as the Supreme Being, was warm but had gravitas. Did the troop steal the map and run into Kevin accidentally or did the Supreme Being orchestrate the meeting? The answer is yes depending on how Supreme you think Richardson is when you see him. Taika Waititi plays the same role here but as an incompetent flake.

While in life the person ill suited to the position can get the big job this need not be the case in fiction. The forces of order and chaos in this situation are not convincing enough. We see too much of Waititi, and Jemaine Clement's Wrongness is more pantomime than evil. Someone laughed at but not feared. The big bad wolf had sharp teeth when it ate Grandma. Kids like their villains evil and the comeuppance swift at the end of a woodcutters axe. Missing that point is the final nail in this series' coffin.

This was the wrong team to handle Time Bandits.

Batman Caped Crusader: Season 1

Bruce Timm's Batman Caped Crusader is an iteration on the Dark Deco style of his work on Batman: The Animated Series. This like that show has a villain/monster of the week format but unlike that show Gotham itself is not a character. Bruce Wayne is good, but Hamish Linklater hasn't found Batman's menace yet.

The villains are..okay. I enjoyed the Boris Karloff spin on Clayface. Christina Ricci's Catwoman is an entertaining spend-thrift kleptomaniac. Even more entertaining was her long-suffering housekeeper. If they don't put both of them together again in a second season that would be an unforgivable crime. As for the rest? Forgettable. And in Harvey Dent's case, boring. It feels like we've seen Two Face's origin as often as Batman's.

Harley Quinn has drawn the most ire of the re-interpretations. She's seen as not chaotic enough or sexy enough. Or both. As a character Quinn was at peak popularity during her "Margot Robbie changes clothes on the Suicide Squad runway" phase. Women cosplayed Daddy's Little Monster for months afterwards. But that was the high point. As the character shifted to become less sexual and more zany the interest dropped off.

Harley Quinn here is interesting because she's Harleen Quinzel the way Batman is Bruce Wayne. The energetic psychiatrist is the character she plays, the sadist in the sly looking clown mask is who she is. But here the writers fail to make her a villain. She does terrible things, but only to people the writers want you to believe deserve it. I like the character, but what she does is abhorrent. Harley Quinn is an evil person. The way Hannibal Lecter is an evil person. It doesn't matter if the victims are the rich or the rude. They're still being preyed on by an evil person.

This is a fine watch for those who remember the 1990s series but it gets tedious in the last three episodes. With luck it'll get enough viewers for a second season.